I don’t care how many brain cells I may be sacrificing, I love trashy reality TV shows — including (but not limited to) one of ABC’s finest accomplishments: The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. These shows may occasionally make me question my faith in the human race, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re entertaining as hell. Not to mention, they go perfectly with a glass (or a bottle) of wine.
If you have nothing else to look forward to at the start of this new year, you might as well spice up your Monday nights by tuning in to this season of The Bachelor, featuring the 40-year-old virgin, searching for love among 25 of America’s most eligible (and desperate) bachelorettes. And because everyone on the show will undoubtedly be getting their drink on every single episode, you may as well too, right?
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Take a sip every time:
- Anyone says they’re “ready to find love,” “not here to make friends,” or “here/not here for the right reasons.”
- Colton’s virginity is mentioned.
- A contestant dramatically says they HATE DRAMA.
- Any date-specific rose is mentioned, such as the first impression rose, a group-date rose, or a one-on-one rose.
- There’s a disgustingly loud make-out session.
- Someone cries. Take two sips if they’re ugly-crying so hard they need subtitles to understand what they’re saying.
- Colton brings up Becca.
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Take a shot if/when:
- Someone has a “big secret” that they must reveal to Colton right away. Examples include: A tragic, life-changing accident of some kind, having a kid, or being a virgin — you know, standard stuff.
- There is a random, unnecessary scene of Colton standing on a balcony and staring dramatically into the distance.
- Chris Harrison tries to help Colton make a decision but inevitably confuses us all even more.
- Colton says “I can see my wife in this room.”
- There is a video montage of anyone getting ready, fixing their hair, and/or putting makeup on.
- They travel to a date by helicopter or convertible.
- Someone says something batshit crazy.
- Someone swipes Colton’s V-card.
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Finish your drink when:
- A fight, physical or verbal, breaks out between two of the contestants.
- Colton decides to send someone home before the next rose ceremony.
- Chris Harrison says: “Ladies, Colton, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.” or “Stay tuned for the most dramatic rose ceremony/date/season yet!”
- You momentarily consider applying for the next season of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette.
- An episode ACTUALLY ends with a rose ceremony.
