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Like the rest of the world, I woke up Thursday morning expecting to see Peter’s handsome gap-toothed face (and abs) gracing my Twitter timeline as the new Bachelor. Instead, all I saw was some rando dude photoshopped onto a rose background by some obvi newb Bachelor interns (literally everyone I sent it to thought it was a joke) and a shit ton of more annoying tweets by the one and only Mike Fleiss. Like ol’ Donald, I can’t figure out how Mike is still even allowed to have access to his own Twitter after the shit he’s put us through the past couple of weeks—but that’s a different rant for a different day.
So here’s what I gathered from the Twittersphere: The ~*~alleged~*~ new Bachelor’s name is Arie Luyendyk Jr. He has gray hair (except not as nice as Peter’s sexy salt n’ pepper IMO). He’s a race car driver (although no idea if he’s legit or if it’s just a hobby like all the other Bachelors’ “occupations”). And he was the runner-up on season 8 of The Bachelorette. AKA it’s been five years and literally no one cares.
So I enlisted the help of a Bachelor Superfan to help me—and anyone else who’s still in denial, aka the entire world—understand. Here’s the last five years summed up by @sambodiddy:
“OK HERES DA #SCOOP: Emily Maynard was the Bachelorette years and years and years ago (like 5). She had a sad story, bc her racecar driver fiancé was killed in a plane crash on the way to a race car match. (Race? Relay?) Soon after, she learned she was pregnant with his daughter, whom she named after him. Truly horrible. Fast forward like four years later, and she’s the Bachelorette. And guess who the producers pick as a contestant? A race car driver. Even one of their group dates is on a track!!!! (Spoiler alert: Arie is the race car driver.)
Arie gets second place. She instead picks a guy named Jef with one F who is a Mormon skateboarder and about three years older than her daughter. It doesn’t work out obviously. Everyone knew she loved Arie even though all they did was make out aaaaaaaaaallllllll the timmmmmeeee.
Then, about three seasons later Ben F (winemaker with long hair) picked the first (ish) slut villain from the series, Courtney! They skinny dipped in the pool together and people went wild. Years later they confirmed they had sex when she wrote a book nobody read and it was the first time someone admitted to having sex on the show.
Ben and Courtney don’t work out obviously. A few months after they broke up, Courtney starts dating Arie!!!! They break up obviously. But then comment about how they still like to fool around. Which is obviously weird.
Bachelor producers are constantly tweeting at Arie bc they’re in love with him. Arie only tweets about cars. He is nice and boring and has gray hair.”
I’ve also been watching Reality Steve’s angry Twitter rant like a hawk, and turns out he also has a local “reputation” for being a major player and also maybe likes to hang out with teenage girls??? I’m putting it a lot nicer than Reality Steve and his many ~*~sources~*~ have, so check out his Twitter page if you want the dirty deets.
All in all, Arie sucks and Peter was robbed. This man was literally born to be The Bachelor, but now I guess we’ll all have to settle for drooling over his Instagram posts and signing up for his bootcamp classes (or just watching them via Instagram Stories).
Also, just FYI: I’ll be updating our Bachelor drinking game, but I WILL NOT be watching the new season out of respect for Peter Kraus and also just because of my general petty nature. Earn Spend Live’s live-tweeting will commence during the next season of The Bachelorette. ABC, Mike Fleiss, The Bachelor: You. Are. Cancelled.